I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize