everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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