Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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