first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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