just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
