I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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