He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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