After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
