I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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