Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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