There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
