You're so nebulous sometimes
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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