I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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