True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You are the jesus of drinking
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
