And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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