piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
