i think i have two assholes
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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