what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
