Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
