guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
is that a dick in a sweater?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
