She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
