omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
