As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
