then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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