He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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