I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
