everyone is single if you try hard enough
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
