You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
