I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
