I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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