Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
