i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
