Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
