If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
