Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
