She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
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