I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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