Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
