Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
