Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize