When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
