Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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