i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
