Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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