I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
