it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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