just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
