you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
