I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Porn is love you can see.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
