You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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