oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
