Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
