Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
