Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize