My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
