Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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